It Doesn’t Have to Be Lonely at the Top

I remember the EXACT  moment that I understood the phrase "it's lonely at the top".

I had completed a weeklong training for new hires (one of my favorite things to do!). I stayed in the same hotel, ate all my meals with the group, and made myself available after hours for any additional help attendees may have needed. 

Since I managed teams from all over the country, it was a great way to get some face time with people who I would not be seeing on a daily basis. Plus, research consistently shows that when employees are onboarded by a senior official they report higher job satisfaction and more brand loyalty.  So, as the boss' boss, it made sense for me to lead these trainings. I was tired but I felt my efforts had been successful. 

So, even though I had a lot of emails to catch-up on and some month-end reporting to submit,  I knew I could tackle it at the airport or on the plane headed home. And boy, I could not wait to get home and see my two preschool aged kids. 

Well, tomorrow came at about 6 am when an employee (one I had previously onboarded) called me to tell me that her direct supervisor (and my direct report) was:

• Stealing from the company

• Berating all the employees for the month's numbers being down

• Complaining to everyone about how I'm a "bad boss" and never around to help her. 

Now remember, I've just spent a week training two of her new hires and I lived nowhere near her. Because she was a top performer, I actually saw her more than some of my other leaders because I would make a point to take her and the team out for dinners/awards when they hit or exceeded goals. 

The employee was letting me know that the team was putting in their notice effective immediately. When the two new hires got back, there would be no one else but this "toxic" manager. 

Now this manager was a company darling. She was beautiful, eloquent, socially confident and passionate about her work. Until this moment, I had zero knowledge or even instinct that she was a problem. In fact, she was one of my favorites. So you can imagine this news was shocking. 

And I had to make some decisions fast. I couldn't let my whole team walk out. I couldn't keep a thief and a liar employed. And I certainly couldn't let two brand new hires go into a workplace full of chaos. I'd certainly lose them too. 

I knew I needed to meet with each person individually. So, I cancelled my flight, rented a car and drove across the Southeast. I asked each person who was quitting to wait until they met with me, and I asked each one of them to meet me at a hotel so I could hear their individual stories for myself. 

Instead of being home with my kiddos, I had another night away. 

One by one they each shared their experiences and I was dumbfounded. I asked each person, "why didn't you tell me?" and they all said the same thing, "we didn't want to bug you - we know how busy you are."

And yes, I was busy. But managing the manager was literally my job. '

How could these people all spend a week with me in the very beginning and then feel like they couldn't share something this monumental with me? I just couldn’t understand. 

I reached out to one of my C-suite counterparts for support but instead of getting any kind of sympathy, she told me this is what I get for being so active in the onboarding process. In her opinion, I spent so much of my time doing my managers' jobs for them that I wasn't "inspecting what I was expecting". 

I reached out to one of my former employees who had left after having her second child and she confided she suspected something was off but didn't want to say anything. She then told me more stories that were appalling. Again, I asked, "how could you not mention this?" and she said, "I knew how much you liked her and I didn't want to be the bearer of bad news". 

To be clear, I liked who I thought she was. A hardworking, passionate, exceptional sales professional. If I had known who she really was, I would have had a different opinion. 

My mind was swimming. I spent so much of my time as a leader being approachable and trying to touch as many employees as I could that my colleague was right - I wasn't spending as much time as I could have "inspecting what I was expecting." 

If I had, I might have noticed the cash deposits were frequently off. Or products were missing. But my belief system told me that if people liked and trusted me, they would not gossip about me or worse, steal from me. And they would certainly come to me if they suspected something. I mean that's what I would do. 

And yet all of this was wrong. 

What I understood in an instant, is that I was the boss. I was the boss's boss. And that meant I was an authority figure. I could hire you or fire you.  And no matter what I did to break down that barrier, I was still an authority figure. 

I couldn't talk about this to employees because that would be unprofessional. My peers were unsympathetic. My husband certainly didn't understand the pressures I faced at work and most of my friends made way less than I did and so really didn't have a desire to hear me complain about my big job with a big paycheck. I was all alone.  It was truly "lonely at the top". 

And this is what prompted me to work with a coach. 

I found someone I could talk to who could listen, let me vent, ask redirecting questions and call me on my BS. It was amazing to have someone to process with. And, during this time, I questioned every single idea I had about leadership and how to lead. I read hundreds of books, went to conference after conference and took a variety of courses to really develop my leadership skills. I began to better understand the psychology of a boss/employee/team relationship and used that knowledge to create win/win situations for everyone. I also made a point to expand my network of other working professionals  so that if I was ever in this situation again - I had a peer I could trust. 

Through this process, I became a real leader. 

It’s experiences like these that inspired me to offer the Goal Setters Coaching Program. I know how valuable having a confidante is who understands the real world pressures you face. I also understand that we all have ideas about leadership that impact our work and our relationships.